Friday, December 25, 2009

And things you never want to hear

I was conceived many years ago last night, or next Thursday: either Christmas or New Year's Eve of the year in question.
Why do I know this?
Lots of people know when their conception occurred, because a parent went away for business, were on leave from service, lots of reasons, some less pleasant than others.
Why do I know? I know because my parents felt the need to have an argument as to the exact date in my presence when I was ten years old, I believe it was Christmas Eve.

I then choose to believe that my parents only have sex on bank holidays.
"But Kinsey, you're sex positive, don't you want your parents (who are still together) to have a happy, fulfilling sex life?"
In theory, yes. Of course I do. I want my parents to have the marriage that they want to have, whatever that means, provided of course all things are safe and consensual. In reality, they're my parents. I don't want to think or know about them having sex. I think that's natural. Finding the idea of your parents getting down disgusting is a built-in safeguard against incest. Parent sex = gross = not having sex with your parents. I think the same basic principle applies to all close relatives.
There was a study in which men wore the same shirt for several days, with no fragrance or deodorant of any kind and those shirts were then smelled by different women. The scents that women rated the most appealing were those of the men with whom they shared the fewest genetic characteristics. Hybrid vigor, folks. Being the most attracted to the people the least like themselves decreases the likelihood of many genetic disorders- genes that make things go wrong have a harder time finding each other. An awesome argument for diversity and integration.

Better Left Unsaid:

Thank you notes which would be unwise actually to send:

Mere de Mon Amore, Cherie*,
Thanks for sending us home with those excellent cookies as well as the other fantastic leftovers from dinner this evening. The cookies made a really satisfying snack after the incredibly satisfying sex that I just had with your first-born.
Thanks a bundle.

Love, your child's partner.

*Dear the Mother of My Love

Friday, December 11, 2009

like a sex machine

I subscribe to fitness magazines. I found SELF immensely helpful after I graduated from college and was trying to make-over my life and body from the excesses and abuses to which I had been subjecting myself. I got a free subscription to Women's Health thanks to a fabulous eyeslipsface (e.l.f) offer - a free magazine subscription with orders over $20.00.
I'm generally pretty pleased with the attitudes that these publications take towards sex - its positive, and relatively open-minded, if a little heterosexist and not super inclusive. They promote healthy sexuality as part of over-all well being: sex is good for your health, and good health = good sex. I could have told you that, but its nice to see science backing it up.

There seems to be an assumption that sex is always available to women, and by implication that men are always up for (forgive the pun) and available for sex. There's this implicit idea that men's sex drives are always roaring full-blast, and that they'll be happy to service the needs of a woman whenever she feels like, as though they don't have bad days, headaches, deadlines, and are always in the mood. That's not fair to men or to women. It suggests that there's something wrong with a man who doesn't want to, or can't have sex all the time, and/or that there's something wrong with a woman if a man does not, or she can not make him want to have sex with her whenever she feels like it - that something is medically or emotionally the matter in either case.
Not being at the ready all the time is not the same as E.D.
Encouraging women to be open and unashamed of their sexuality is great, making them feel as though they're undesirable by this kind of thinking about sex is not. Maybe there ought to be more consideration in these articles of ways that women can take care of their own sexual needs and how to navigate that within their relationships, how to read their partner's sexual cues, or how to facilitate communication between partners about what makes them feel like its a good time or not.

Just my $.02

Saturday, December 5, 2009

In which I postulate once again on emptiness...

I'm doing research for my Buddhism in America final paper. I'm writing about women in Buddhism, surprise, surprise. The reading is bringing me back to some of the fundamental questions that I seem always to be asking myself in my line of scholarship about sex, gender, and Buddhism, such as:

1) How does one resolve the apparent contradictions between teachings on emptiness, and the traditional roles/rules for and about/emphasis on physical sex in Buddhism for both the lay and monastic communities?

2) Can a kind of Buddhist liberation theology for GLBTTIA folk be built around Mahayana Sutras in which the emptiness of form, and ergo gender are demonstrated in the change from female to male undergone by deities, Bodhisattvas, etc. ?

3) How can it be impressed upon people that emptiness does not mean that things aren't real in the conventional sense, and that they don't matter for that reason, but rather that because of their ultimate emptiness the immediacy of experience needs to be given its due weight in an attempt to understand and eliminate suffering? (in this instance, in the case of sexualities and gender identities)

I have heard it argued in several forums that if indeed form is empty, than there should be no need for people to undergo physical transition.
I have also read and heard various accounts of, and arguments for, the earlier/traditional rules and views in regard to sex and gender which disqualify gender variant and intersexed people from becoming monastics, and imply that they have a low birth as a result of bad karma, and that they need to work with what they've got and hope to do better next time.

On the first matter - see #3. I believe that the gender binary is a social construction and that its pretty much bullshit. I am also a realist. We live in society, and within the frameworks of its constructions whether we like it or not, therefore people need to do what they need to do in order to be as complete, happy, and fulfilled in the world in which they live, which includes transitioning. Just because something is not ultimately real doesn't mean that it does not immediately affect our qualities of life. We can't all just pretend to be advanced beings and as though our suffering doesn't exist because it lacks inherent nature.

On the second, that sucks. I understand that there is not a source of authority or power-structure in place to refute or repeal these rules, and I think that therefore the onus to do so is upon practitioners and scholars. As with any spiritual tradition, Buddhists need to take into account that some of the content of their spiritual texts is a result of the time and source of their authorship, and not necessarily part and parcel with the meaning of them, or ultimately part or in service of the Dharma.

Kinsey out.

Monday, November 16, 2009

just like a woman

To give this post some context, I first have to make a confession:

I watched a Romantic Comedy, willingly, by myself. . .

Now that I'm done being embarrassed,
I've been noticing a trend of female characters that I can actually identify with in these kinds of movies lately, or at least the previews for them, as I'm usually more into blood-guts-explosions-zombies kinds of movies, or depressing/foreign/arty/indie flicks. At any rate, in the course of RomComs of late there seems to be a trend in the presentation of strong, busy, unemotional, successful characters for women.* At first I think yay! Smart women in movies! Characters with which I can identify! The thing that these women need to learn over the course of the two-hours of the film is that they need to get in touch with their feelings/express them, not try so hard, and that its okay not to be perfect all the time. These are things that it seems I am having to learn of late. On the surface, this made me feel a little better in this hey I'm not a total freak kind of way. Upon closer examination though, it makes me kind of angry.

Women that are outside of their prescribed gender roles by being all of the above mentioned things/possessing said qualities need to learn to be softer, kinder, more emotive, less pushy, etc. in order to fall in love and live happily ever after. THEY NEED TO RETURN to the cultural script of who and how they're supposed to be in order to be lovable and gain happiness.
The message is basically that you can't have it all. For a woman, their is success and fortune OR there is home and hearth and the leading man.** A woman need to give up her success in some measure in order to be romantically fulfilled. It isn't quite The Stepford Wives drastic of CEO to homemaker, but it does seem always to involve some professional compromise, or stepping down. Either as a condition of their personal happiness or a consequence thereof. If they don't have to make the choice between love and career, the choice is made for them, because somehow by being in love, and all the things implied thereby, they become less able to be the successful powerhouses that they were and find themselves crying in the board room and loosing their job/the big client/case/etc.

What worries me the most about this is my fear that it might be true. I've spent the better part of my life working hard and being busy, throwing myself into everything possible and giving it all my all. I've been avoiding feeling by doing. This had to stop. I was headed straight for destruction in a heart-attach at 35 kind of way. I was bottling everything up, and it WAS going to come out, one way or another. I definitely feel as though I was forced into dealing with things more than that I chose to do so in a lot of ways, although it seems that I knowingly put myself in the position that would force me to do so - my course of study, my extra-curriculars, contemplative practice, etc. I made the choice to attend a Graduate program that I had been forewarned, 'tears you apart completely and then rebuilds you piece by piece'. I'm in serious doubt some days as to whether or not the re-building process has begun and simply feel dismantled. Now that I am allowing myself to feel things and express them, I'm not as efficient, less prolific, less of all of the things that I was and did in order to avoid the things that I'm not feeling. I feel as though I'm less intelligent. Is it possible that this is a case-by-case basis? If I had not grown up in a world of playing through the pain, feeling the burn, sucking it up and getting on with it, could I potentially have learned to be both expressive and successful at the same time? Or could I even learn to do so from here?

Is the criticism and the message of these movies actually about our culture as a whole, and not just a commentary on women being in their rightful place?

*No Reservations, Bride Wars, The Holiday, The Women, In Her Shoes, The Proposal

**Clearly I'm operating in a heterosexist system of the popular culture and this genre in particular right now.

Tuesday, October 13, 2009

Why haven't I kept my promise about posting?
Because I busted up my hand and haven't been able to type - need to prioritize school work for what I can eek out with voice recognition software, that's why.

Friday, September 18, 2009


Sex really turns me into a guy - my stereotypical male qualities and behaviors.
It's funny.
wearing boxers and a white undershirt, drinking a beer which rests between my legs when I'm not drinking it.
Then I burped while making nachos, and Mon Amore informed me that,
"I was just about to say, as long as you don't burp right now, you wouldn't totally be a guy."

It also seems as though my voice gets lower after sex. This may be from moaning, this may be some kind of wash of hormones and endorphins. Who knows? But it's funny and I enjoy it.

Tuesday, September 15, 2009

This is EXACTLY what I have always been concerned about.
Glass toys are pretty, they seem interesting, but they frigging terrify me, not matter how unusual problems with them are. ITS GLASS and very important, sensitive parts of the body. I break most everything that it is possible to break, and have what I am told is an extraordinarily *strong* vagina. If its possible to break a glass toy during penetration, I'd be the one who could do it.

Saturday, September 5, 2009

P Style

I really, really want the P Style STAT.
Apparently, this offers a clean and covenient way for people to stand up to people for people who cannot do so otherwise. OMG! I have been trying to learn how to pee standing up since whenever it was that I found out that people with penises could do that probably at - 3 or 4 years old.
This has resulted in years, and years of messy and unsuccessful experiments. I was forced to come to the conclusion that my particular anatomy does not lend itself well to it. I've been told that lots of other female-bodied folks can pee standing up with relatively little difficulty. I simply cannot without hitting my foot or dribbling down my leg. At first I blamed this on the comparative size of my left labia minora to the right, but after trying to push them out of the way, it seems that my urethra itself angles to the side - or at least the stream that comes out of it does.
I know there are a few pack and pee devices out there, but have not heard great things about any of them. Reviews from everyone I know who has tried them always mention that there is some unavoidable dribble, either on the outside of the packy, or down the leg.
While I'm not sure that this is the perfect solution for trans guys, as the logistics of using this to pee in public with or without a packy strike me as kind of difficult, but who knows, maybe I'm wrong. I would absolutely love to try both with and without and see how it goes.

Wednesday, August 26, 2009

Getting down to it

Ok, issues in masturbation....

There is of course, the obvious stuff, such as privacy. So much of my life has been lived in shared quarters with family, roommates, or Significant Others. Whether in my bedroom as a teenager, when I was compelled to leave the door open at all times lest my dog become frantic about being denied access or exit, sharing a room as a first-year and sophomore in College, having thin walls in apartments with roommates junior and senior year, and a condo with my uncle and cousin, I've always been very aware of volume - both my own, and potentially that of any toys I might use.
Its entirely possible that this isn't even a real issue, but regardless, my concern about it has been very real, and therefore hindered my being comfortable about getting down with myself.

In regards to S.O.s: I feel weird doing it when they're around and not in any way involved. This I guess comes back to noise as well, but also some shaming about my sexuality that occurred in a past relationship. My masturbating, if it were known about, was taken as some kind of affront to my S.O.'s ability to satisfy me, and used as an accusation that I was entirely to sexual - meaning I was weird, needy, and otherwise (as was so often the theme in our relationship) 'too much' for her, especially in that I'm multi-orgasmic, so one orgasm (which really is not that difficult a thing for me to achieve) is not THE END.
With Mon Amore this is not this case, but I still feel weird. Our last apartment was a modestly sized one-bedroom, access to the bathroom was through the bedroom, and for the cats, like my beloved dog, deal poorly with the bedroom door being closed. There was just no way for me to be able to jerk off and NOT have him know about it. Knowing about it would probably have been fine, and most likely has to do with residual hang-ups and shame from THE EX than anything else, but I have really yet to get over.
I also needed to see through the stupidity of the idea that my sex life with a partner 'should be enough' for me. My masturbating doesn't in any way mean that I'm not sexually happy/fulfilled with my partner, it just means that there's more to my sex life than that. It also isn't anyone's job but my own to see to my sexual satisfaction - even if other people are a part of it.

I became accustomed to a masturbatory quickie, most often in the shower, as that was generally the place that I had the most privacy in all phases of my life. It was a matter of getting off as quickly and quietly as possible. I never really took the time to explore/try things, and just did what I knew worked.

Then, there's scheduling. (No, really.) The obvious solution to having a difficult time masturbating when M.A. is home would of course be to do it in his absence. The thing is, my life and my sex drive don't work like that. I can't seem to pencil in time for solo pleasure, and tend to see having the apartment to myself as an opportunity to enjoy quiet and solitude for getting work done or doing yoga, to clean and organize and things like that because I can be a little manic about it and feel as though its better to when I'm alone, or things that I generally prefer to do with lots of time and space to myself, like color my hair without the smell and mess disturbing anyone else.( It's mostly natural, but I've been highlighting it lately, and currently have a fetching magenta streak.)
I'm horny when I'm horny, and not really on some easily mapped-out schedule. I am trying to learn to put time aside/ be more flexible with my intense over-scheduling of my life.

When M.A. was recently away for a week I committed to spending some quality time with myself. I realized the missing final ingredient - arousal. It's one thing to feel horny/sexual, and entirely another really to be aroused. In the past I had never taken the time to 'get in the mood' or whatever you want to call it, and just went straight for the finish line.
By relaxing about all of it, using porn to help me to get excited, and taking it slow, I a had much more satisfying time. I kept going until I felt DONE, and not just tied over or something.
For the first time in my life, I even managed to ejaculate by myself!

I'm trying to remind myself that I am in charge of my own sexuality, and that there's nothing wrong or weird about me.

There, I said it.

Friday, August 21, 2009

Nose to the grindstone

at this point I think we just need to say the summer was a wash and move on with it.
I am a nerdy nerdface and all, but I really have never wanted the summer to end so badly so I could get back to the business of school, etc. I am, of course, also terrified. This is theoretically my LAST semester of my Master's degree. Holy pressure cooker, batman!

It's weird, but probably true that getting back to the ol' scholastic routine will actually be easier and less hectic than my current life on the Fringe, and everything else that's been thrown at me this summer.

As I am well stocked with school supplies, and can't honestly say that I need clothes, I got myself the G-Force, and layaspot for fall! They've been on my wish list (both mental and literal) for a while, so I figured now was as good a time as any. It really isn't, given that I haven't been employed for the greater part of the summer, and get paid MONTHLY.

I can't be completely responsible and frugal all the time. The 07-08 school year was so difficult with my student loans not clearing until MAY, and trying to live on my meager savings of a year off and a $7 an hour job. I didn't have enough socks, by any standard, there were holes in my boots, and I had huge hospital bills and no way of paying them. Things are better now, but I think it put me a little bit into the 'poverty mentality,' fearing lack and almost always feeling it, such that I became a little self-pitying and overindulgent for a while. I think I am approaching a healthy balance of all of what I need, and some of what I want - paying the bills and not having a minor anxiety attack about buying a pumpkin-spice latte.

What did all of that have to do with sex?
A: investing in my well-being, happiness, and satisfaction, which I have been convinced falls somewhere in the 'things I need' category, right up there with a gym membership and decent skin care products.

I will report back on my purchases soon, as well as the long-since-overdue posts I've promised.

Friday, August 14, 2009

Life on the Fringe

I know, I promised to post more.

I'm working on my post about my getting over some hang ups and getting down with myself.
I took some time while Mon Amore was away to use the time and space to get comfortable with masturbating, and figure out what works for me in that way, beyond the basic, 'okay, I had an orgasm.' Full details to come.

I'm working like crazy right now for the Boulder International Fringe Festival.

So far the two shows I've seen are great and super-interesting.

5th Circle Theatre Company is putting on 'Pick Your Own Path,: The Return of the Mystery of the Journey Through Time to the Secret Lost City of the Evil Robotic Abominable Snowman King of Nabooti (Zombie Space Ninja Pirates!!!): A Musical Adventure'

Theatre Reverb presents 'Bonne Nuit Poo Poo,'
This wild, interactive, comedic tale is inspired by the Mad Max trilogy and its erotic science fiction dystopian genre, Goodnight Moon, and all other cultural ephemera connected to goodbyes and imagined end times. Max, Maxi and the Operator hunt for a living seed in this action-packed collage of pop-culture and apocalyptic fantasy film featuring video, text, movement, dance, and stream-of-consciousness comedy.

The Venue is the Community Dance Collective in Boulder.
go to 2125 Pearl, business between 21st and 22nd Sts. that is Futon store, enter their parking lot, go left at end of their building, studio will be directly in front of you.

Come see a show!!!

Thursday, July 9, 2009


Apologies for the hiatus. Life happened, I allowed it to prevent me from writing.
The truth is that I find it difficult honestly to talk about myself. No, really.
The feedback which I have consistently been getting for the past two years at Naropa is that I am 'too academic' and do not speak enough from my own experience. I find it uncomfortable.
On that subject, Mon Amore had the following to say,
"That's kind of what you (all) do there (Naropa). You drink chai and feel uncomfortable. "

I have spent so much of my life cultivating a certain kind of persona - one that is glib and detached, and that laughs away its discomfort and unhappiness. I am afraid of making myself vulnerable by really exposing myself. I am afraid of being disliked, or unlovable for having feelings that I think of as negative, undesirable, or unpleasant. Blame it on being a WASP, blame it on being a woman trying to succeed in male-dominated academics, (not to mention, um, society), blame it on the person who told me that people didn't like me because I was gloomy when I was a child, blame it on the Bossanova, but there it is.
I've spent most of the life that I can remember being entirely too busy to let my feelings in, or out, and made myself focus on what needed to be done. This obviously isn't healthy. I've been working on it in a number of ways, and now am coping to the fact in a public forum. *Whew*

Why is this relevant/Why am I telling you this?
Because it greatly affects the way that I talk and write about sex and sexuality. I've been a lot more comfortable being a bit detached on the issue, and very rarely writing about my own feelings, experiences, etc. Consider this my pledge to you and to me to try to be more honest and direct and to tell it like it is, and hopefully, therefore, to post a little more regularly.

Posts to follow:
issues in masturbation
when sex is too intense


Thursday, June 4, 2009

On Monogamy

This post has been percolating in my head for a while. I've been having a hard time properly wording exactly what it is that I'm trying to express. I fully anticipate not doing so especially well, and offending/angering people, and for that I apologize in advance. (not that I have much of a readership to offend.)
Let me first say that I have the utmost respect for polyamory, and polyamorous people and relationships. I think that its really, really, great that there is an increasing amount of space for, and understanding of, all kinds of ways of having and engaging in relationships in our society. I am completely and totally in support, of healthy, informed, consensual (and ideally, happy) relationships of all kinds.

I'm am familiar with the sociological and psychological arguments for, and reasoning behind non-monogamy. I'm also aware of the evolutionary anthropological evidence that monogamy in human romantic relationships are a relatively recent phenomenon and strictly speaking, not entirely 'natural.'*

What I do not understand is this: the fact that I get the distinct impression that in a lot of communities to which I think I belong, monogamy is NOT ALRIGHT. Non-monogamy is the norm. Being a norm isn't an issue as far as I'm concerned, what is an issue is the treatment of what falls outside the norm, being monogamous relationships. Being in the minority is fine by me. What is not fine is being treated as though I am some kind of behind-the-times, prudish, uptight, un-liberated, freak for having a monogamous relationship. It's like Mon Amore and I are dinosaurs, or the last unicorns or something.

We have discussed it. We considered making our relationship work in that way. M.A. and I came to the conclusion that that is not who we are, how we work, or the way that we want to have our relationship. It's not for us, as individuals, or as a couple.

So why is that not alright!? People inquiring do not ask 'Are you two monogamous,' or 'Are you in an open relationship?,' but rather they say, 'You guys are open, right?' or, 'So you're poly.' They also seem genuinely shocked and disgusted that no, actually, we're not.


Honestly. Creating a new dominant paradigm and marginalizing/persecuting people outside of it is not at all better or more alright than the old paradigm and systems of oppression against which you are fighting. The oppressed becoming the oppressors. The subject has been deeply explored over the past couple of centuries, in regards to things like revolutions: a minority gains power over the majority population that was oppressing them, or a less privileged socio-economic class overthrows an upper-class minority that has been keeping them down, and then proceeds in no time at all to engage in all the same kinds of discriminatory, keeping-people-down, FUCKED UP activities as the people that they overthrew did against them.

Alright, I'm done now.

*I might point out that a heck of a lot of the things we do nowadays bare no resemblance to anything natural whatsoever, but I digress.

Wednesday, May 20, 2009

Even more underwear!

My online order from the Victoria's Secret Semi - Annual Sale just arrived!

It doesn't start in stores for another month, at which point you bet your ass I'll be there. There were just a couple of things I had to snap up right away some of which aren't offered in my local store, like the Intimissimi line, which I adore.

I'm super in love with the sailor-stripe looking set, and all about bustier/corset type things.

A friend informed me that underwires can cut off or put pressure on your lymph nodes. I'm a little skeptical about that, but I'm going to give the wireless thing a try in stores, and see if anything terrifically impresses me. I've tried on a couple of (non-sports bra) wireless styles, and never been convinced that they really did the job.

I swear, I will visually catalog my collection ASAP.

Sunday, May 17, 2009

howdy, neighbour!

I can't decide if it's better or worse to know the people on the other side of the bedroom wall.

Monday, May 11, 2009

new digs, can you dig it?

Mon Amore and I just began to move into our fabulous, spacious, airy, new ground floor apartment!
Things about the ground floor apartment: we're going to have to be careful about closing the blinds (in the living room AND the bedroom) so people can't see us having sex when they walk by!
No free shows here.
Things about which one does not need to worry on the third floor, with no one else's windows facing ours.

We were discussing earlier what to do about moving sex toys and porn so that no one will see/hear them. The answer we've come up with is as follows: make sure all batteries are removed, pack securely, and label as something really, really uninteresting and vaguely personal, such as 'taxes' or 'applications'.

We also got a great new television to go along with the great new apartment at a really good deal, on which to watch porn. Perhaps we'll have to get something exciting and new with which to break it in!

Tuesday, April 28, 2009

Ginger Leigh's Fabulous Shopping Spree Contest! (my wishlist)

Here's my entry for Ginger Leigh's Fabulous Shopping Spree Contest!

My wishlist:

Selene Vibrating Clitoral Pump ($33.99) A greater external exposure of my clit + sounds amazing.

Nipplettes ($29.19) My nipples are wicked sensitive, and I've always been curious about nipple clamps.

Thigh Harness ($25.89) This looks like it would create a lot of possibilities for penetration.

Squirting Realistic Cock ($ 51.49) I ejaculate plenty, but I don't really get to see it happen, and would really like to.

Curve Violet Dildo ($ 70.99) This is so darn pretty! It recommends itself to solo and partner play.

Lockable Vibrator Case (57.49) If I have this volume of sex toys, I'm going to need somewhere to keep them all!

Lucid Dream No. 54
($32.19) I love the Lucid Dreams line, and I've been meaning to pick this one up.

Pro Touch Vibrator ($38.19)

G-Force (50.89) This strikes me as a dream come true for deep, hard, fucking either with a partner or on my own.

Share (94.99) Do I really need to explain the appeal?

Door Jam Cuffs ($26.89) Consensual helplessness is hot - I like to get down on my knees for people, and this way I wouldn't have to worry about them falling.

VibraFun Crop ($55.89) Vibrating Crop = Brilliant.

Super Cuffs (29.89) I want to have my hands tied behind my back and get fucked from behind.

OhMiBod (72.49) I love music, I love sex, I've been posting about wanting to try this forever!

Natural Countours Energie ($33.89) I could probably use a little help working on my kegels.

Layaspot ($61.89) I've heard such good things about this vibrator, I would like to give it a try.

Vibe Wrist To Finger (39.49) Convenient and so hot looking!

E-Z Rider With 6 Inch Realistic Dildo (42.19) This looks like an awesome way to fuck myself from on top.

Boy Butter Lubricant (27.89)

Lucid Curves #21 (25.19) Again, love the Lucid line, and sometimes you just need something to pay some serious attention to your clit.

Snugglepuss ($53.19) I've always been curious about this one.

= $954.60

Monday, April 27, 2009


Essin' Em just reminded me via twitter, of the summer of '06 during which I concluded that 'exercise is the new sex'.
What, Kinsey?
Well, from my point of view, working out provided the following:
I would run to the same music that I liked to dance to, so that in itself would be a bit of a turn-on, because it would evoke in my mind being ground-on by dozens of hot people at bars and parties that often enough resulted in my getting laid, or at the very least some making-out. I'd sweat my ass off. A lot of the movement and positions of weight-machines were rather evocative of sex. Especially the recumbent leg-press. Getting into that position and lifting the weight felt like nothing to me so much as preparing to get fucked like crazy. Likewise many of the ab exercisers, lying upside-down at an incline, or being bent over and lifting up working on my back.

Can you honestly tell me you don't know what I'm talking about?

Of course I would then go home and jerk off in the shower. The gym is the #1 place that I thank goodness that my naughty bits more or less hide tucked-away and that it is not dreadfully obvious when I'm aroused at inappropriate times ie) in public

Why else am I thinking of this? I'm too darn sick to work out, and that makes me sad.

Wednesday, April 22, 2009


God I love when Mon Amore spanks me.
That's all.

Monday, April 20, 2009

the 'eyes' have it

I was just thinking about mascara,
which is something I do a number of times on any given day.
In fact, if the things about which I most frequently think are, in no particular order:
sex, mascara, religion, the recession/money in general, the environment, food, and politics. I have , personal involvement in all of these subjects, 1.8 degrees (yes, that's how I'm calculating the finished portion of my Master's degree.) arguable expertise in 4 of them, and make the most frequent use of mascara. Well, probably money if you think about it in terms of goods and services already paid for, or in the process of being paid for, but I don't *feel* as though I use money every single day, or even on as many days as those on which I wear mascara, which is between 4 and 7 days of any given week.
No matter what my life is like, I can pretty safely say, that I wear, have worn, and will wear mascara more than I am currently having, have had, or will have sex, or probably even masturbate. Okay, maybe the last part is not true,, but my lifetime of mascara is probably even to that of masturbation, and exceeds the amount of sex.
I've been wearing makeup since I was 12, I didn't start having sex for another five years after that. I have definitely owned more tubes of mascara than I have had sexual partners. Hell, after having thrown out any of the ones that are even kind of old, I currently own ten. Even if I only went through the hygienically recommended 2-4 tubes a year, which I do not, I would be at a minimum of 26-52 tubes. I have had fewer than 52 lovers. Then take into account the fact that I will almost unquestioningly purchase every 3rd or so new product that claims that it will give me inhumanly long, thick, and dark eyelashes. If I had sex with approximately the same proportion of people in the world as mascaras I buy out of those on the market... I can't even begin to do the math or think of the consequences.
Mascara is so often (though granted, not always) easier to come by than sex, and has left me with unpleasant feelings far less frequently. Disappointing new formula, eh, bad sex - boo. No mascara wand has ever made me feel used, no matter how much I've regretted its purchase, how miserably it failed to live up to my expectations, or how overpriced I may have thought it was.

So, back to what I was thinking,
I was thinking that I should have a blog dedicated entirely to mascara - product testing, and my excessive internal dialogue about it. Then I was thinking that I simply haven't got the money to toss away on the amount of makeup I would have to buy in order to post on anything like a regular basis with anything valuable to say. I would have to buy it, or at least own it in order to give it a proper test - take pictures, wear it for a couple of days during a number of different activities, etc., etc. I'm sure I would begin to try the patience of even the nice people at Sephora were I to walk in every morning to put on a product and leave without purchase that often.
I could of course START WITH WHAT I HAVE and what I have had/worn. I've got a more than solid base from which to start. I have far better chances of people sending me free mascara to try, review, and enjoy, than I do sex toys and products, like say Essin'Em does. I'm just not that cool, nor do I feel quite that authoritative. Believe me, I want to be. I want people send me free condoms, lubes, sex toys, porn, and furniture because I'm awesome and my opinion is respected, but I just haven't got the highest of hopes for that happening. Mascara on the other hand, mascara, I know. I wouldn't really need anyone else to help me test it, although I'm sure my friends, the odd stranger, and Mon Amore would weigh in on occasion. There's also very little to get in the way of my wearing/testing mascara. It takes remarkably little time to put on, and I can obviously be wearing, ergo: testing mascara while doing any number of other things - including having sex/masturbating, whereas the former activities tend to limit one's ability to do a whole lot else, at least, the way I've been doing them. I also might mention times like the present, at which I have a really horrible sinus infection and barely feel capible of doing anything, and most definitely cannot be having sex - I'm really kind of astounded I'm thinking corherantly enough for long enough to write this, but you bet your ass I was wearing mascara this morning. Hell, I even bought some fiberwig while waiting for my antibiotics to be ready.

So, the moral of the story I suppose, is would you read it if I blogged about mascara? Do you have suggestions as to what I should write about? Would you like to send me products to try? Shameless, I know.

- I am happy to say, that I have never contracted a disease from a sex or mascara.

*knock wood*

materialism - money buying me love

Things that always make me temporarily happy, when I buy them:
sex toys
things in which to put other things - boxes, bags, tins, cases, etc.
all varieties of post-its

-basically, things that make me feel a) attractive b) organized

Clearly, the job of some of these things is longer lasting than just their purchase, ie) actually feeling pretty whilst wearing said makeup, shoes, earrings, and lingerie, orgasms achieved with the aid of sex toys, the organization of my life via containers and post-its, and the communiques written on stationary. I think I have solid evidence for my feeling that I express myself better in writing than I do I verbally.

Saturday, April 18, 2009

where are you going to wear that 2.0

You have my solemn promise that at the first opportunity I will post photographs of my shoe and lingerie collections to show you what the fuck I'm talking about.

Friday, April 17, 2009

getting to help you know me

Yesterday I got vagina-probed (internal ultra-sound) yesterday in an attempt to figure out what the heck causes me so much pain and misery. The answer apparently is: nothing they can find. I have a 'simple cyst' on my right ovary, which could just be ovulating, since I took a month break from the pill before starting Yaz to see if it will do a somewhat better job of regulating my cycle and making it less hellish.

It occurred to me that you don't know me very well. That's on me. I'm still getting used to this whole sharing and expressing thing, so : here goes, in the cliched style of '100 things about me'

1) I identify as 'queer' in terms of both sexuality and gender identity
2) I used to to identify as bi,
3) then gay,
4) then I thought I was straight
5) and transgendered.
6) I had a new name picked out and was rehearsing the 'changing my pronouns, friends' speech in my head when I realized that
7) denying my female/feminine side would not serve me any better or make me any happier or more complete than denying my male/masculine side.
8) My gender expression goes through cycles.
9) My sexual tastes and activities do as well.
10) I 'came out' for real when I was 17.
11) I think of myself has having had sex for the first time twice, once with a man and once with a woman.
12) At the moment I'm in this very peculiar phase of embracing my femininity.
13) I think I'm still learning a lot about my sexuality.
14) I haven't been in very many formally codified relationships as such, but mostly have had flings and affairs.
15) I like referring to them as 'affairs,'
16) and to my sex partners as 'lovers'.
17) I'm currently in a long-term (two and 1/2+ years)
18) committed
19) monogamous relationship
20) with a man who I love very much, and with whom I was friends for many years before we changed the state of our relationship.
21) We have discussed the idea of non-monogamy.
22) It never seems to be the right thing for us individually or collectively.
23) Sometimes the collection of the aforementioned facts makes me feel like I'm the Last Unicorn or something equally unheard of amongst my peer-group.
24) In practice and habit, I'm definitely somewhere on the 'butch' end of the spectrum, no matter what I might be wearing.
25) I'm relatively top-ish/dominant
26) but I can, will, and enjoy to 'switch'.
27) Apparently #25 comes as a surprise to some people.
28) I like to be spanked.
29) The inside of my elbows
30) and backs of my kneees are particularly intense erogenous zones for me.
31) I have no idea why, but wow, seriously.
32) I just about melt when people say my name when I'm fucking them.
33) That makes me think I must be some kind of megalomaniac and not even know it.
34) It's entirely possible that I over-think things,
35) especially sex/ my sexuality.
36) I have issues with my body like anyone else raised in this hemisphere
37) but I really like being naked ,
38) don't have a problem being naked in front of sex partners,
39) and like to do it with lights on.
40) I read that people (women in particular) like their faces better than their bodies because they see their faces in the mirror more than the rest of themselves
41) since then I've been looking at my self naked in the mirror at least once a day.
42) I love underwear.
43) I own a really wide range of it, both 'men's' and 'women's'
44) I like to pack.
45) I don't do as often as I used to.
46) I don't get the food as part of sex thing.
47) I tried it,
48) didn't like it.
49) Despite what everyone says, getting my nipples pierced 3 years ago didn't change a thing about their level of sensitivity.
50) They were, and remain, VERY sensitive.
51) People did seem extra interested in them.
52) I showed them to so many people after I got them done,
53) It felt like a spectacle instead of just a part of my body.
54) I love body modifications in general,
55) except genital piercing, which scares the crap out of me.
56) I do not like hairless naughty bits,
57) on me,
58) or anyone else.
59) I tried taking it all off.
60) I didn't like it.
61) My pubic hair is naturally red.
62) It is neatly maintained.
63) My inner labia stick out,
64) much more on the left side than on the right
65) I used to feel very embarrassed about this
66) and thought that there was something wrong with me,
67) which was exacerbated by the fact that an ex used to make fun of it and imitate the way it looked by making faces.
68) I have a complete list of everyone with whom I've ever hooked-up,
69) I made this on the advice of a friend
70) so that I could keep track
71) and present proof should anyone question the truth of my sexual exploits.
72) I have a little mole in the middle right above where my pubic hair ends.
73) I really like it.
74) I thought that this was a part of the anatomy that everyone had until my early teens.
75) I have these ideas about what people find attractive about me,
76) and sometimes feel as though my attractiveness does not extend beyond them.
77) they are: my dimples
78) my freckles
79) my eyes
80) my hair
81) and my breasts.
82) I love it when people tell me that they like my pussy/think it's hot.
83) I have a 'tramp stamp.'
84) It's a lotus, in brown.
85) It's one of four tattoos.
86) I like it from behind,
87) both giving it,
88) and taking it.
89) I have really enjoyed what I have experienced of bondage
90) from both ends
91) and would like to do it a lot more.
92) I think that I project a lot more confidence than I have.
93) I'm a (dirty) talker.
94) I think of myself as being very sexual,
95) but not very sexy
96) and am genuinely surprised when other people think/suggest that I am.
97) I have had orgasms in my sleep.
98) I can have 'spontaneous' orgasms.
99) I get really wet,
100)really easily.

-I'm trying not to feel embarrassed about telling you all of this.
-If have questions, comment, I'll answer.

Monday, April 6, 2009

'Where are you going to wear THAT'?

I was buying a fabulous pair of (very inexpensive) shoes over the weekend at Ross. They are black velvet, with a small platform - the kind that blends into the toe box with the fabric, perilously high stiletto heels, and a strap around the ankle - so not quite Mary Janes. I was also purchasing a lacy red camisole to go under a suit with which I plan to wear said shoes as well, and had the following realization:

based purely on the shoes and lingerie that I own, one might very well come to the conclusion that I were some kind of sex worker.

...Or just a lot hotter, more trampy, or more stylish than I am - even though I've been trying to wear the things that I have and like and not leave them sitting on hangers/shelves and wearing the same jeans and black sweater day in and out.

Friday, April 3, 2009


I have slowly, and modestly, trying to learn to be a locavore. This is not the smartest or easiest thing to do in this ecotome in the winter.
(I'm not sure which it is, to tell you the truth, does Colorado count as the American South-West?)
But, here I am, and thus I sojourn. I decided that student and apartment life were not especially well-suited to this little project, given that I do not currently have a patio, balcony, or even a window-box, and do have cats that like to eat plants in all forms that enter the apartment.
I also used to have a roommate who had a small tropical jungle
(members of which needed to take longer showers than I do bi-weekly)
in our dorm, which has made me a bit more conservative than I might otherwise be about urban farming.

I decided to start small - I would buy local as much as possible, beginning with beer and wine. I'm situated particularly well to do this in Boulder, a city rich in microbreweries and vintners. Local booze instead of imports. Money was, as always, an issue. Good, local, earth-friendly beer and wine is quite often more expensive than imports from South Africa, South America, Europe, and even wineries in California. Colorado made wine was often at least twice as much as the other available options. I often cracked and went for bottles that I knew and liked from more exotic locales.

With food I thought I would start by trying for everything at least to have been produced in this country. Small steps, right? . . .
I discovered a very important thing about me:
I'm not. I'm sorry, I'm just not that good of a person.
I know:
they are NOT grown in these United States
they are often not farmed in an ecologically sustainable way
OR one that is benevolent towards farmers as people
AND they are a major culprit in the carrying of foreign pests ie) spiders to places they ought not to be in their shipping.
I'm sorry world, it's my favorite way to get potassium. I eat one with breakfast pretty much every day. I have them in smoothies, pastries. I just really like bananas. And I'm not even making any kind of innuendo about genitalia.

THEN, It occurred to me:

Why is this relevant? I used not to. It used to take 3000 miles worth of flight on the part of one or the other of us for Mon Amore and I to get down in person. One might also consider the environmental cost of phones, phone-hours, and computer-hours (ergo the power to run them and materials acquired from the DRC to construct them) to have phone or internet sex.
Think of how much we're saving now that we're in the same place! Heck, we even LIVE together, no one even has to drive across town to fuck.

I know, I know. This is about as legitimate as buying carbon offsets or indulgences so far as salving a conscience goes, but there you have it.

My future plans include moving entirely towards domestically produced things of all kinds, including sex toys, etc. I confess, it will take a while. I'm young, I don't have a lot of money, and I was raised low-ish, middle-ish class in North America, I have certain ideas about myself and the world of which it is going to be really difficult for me to let go - bananas, tomatoes year-round, and the GAP.

But... I'm trying.

Sunday, March 15, 2009

apologies and excuses

"She didn't have time to look at her vagina, she was busy"
-Eve Ensler, 'The Vagina Monologues'

I swear, I'll catch up with writing here as soon as I've started to catch up writing things that get graded.

Saturday, February 28, 2009

Vagina Weekend

My Vagina is tired. It is, it's exhausted and it's staying right here.

It feels good, but we've both been working very hard and been very busy lately.

Friday night was the first of three performances of 'The Vagina Monologues' by V-Day Boulder this year. I think I can safely say we rocked the house. Last night, we did it again. Afterwords much of the cast went to a bar for dancing and karaoke. That large a group of hot, happy, not taking shit vaginas in dingy bar freaked out a lot of the usual clientele. Go us. I received lap dances from several of the attractive ladies of V-Day Boulder, including Ms. Essin' Em. They were all right against the stage when I sang 'I think we're alone now,' and all over me when I came off the stage.

It was so fun and affirming, but also, it was really enjoyable to see the faces of the middle aged dudes playing pool in the back looking me and and almost being able to hear them thinking 'Huh?' 'What the hell does this girl have/know that we don't.' I try not to be a seperatist in my feminism and most definitely do not hate men. I do hate the partriarchy and I do love those moments when I feel as though I'm upsetting and/or subverting it albeit in a minor way.

Or maybe it just made me feel like a stud, and reminded me of college.

-More about vaginas soon

Friday, February 13, 2009


As Essin' Em commands, I do.
Because, a) she's awesome, b) she knows about these things, c) did I mention that she's awesome?

Tuesday, February 10, 2009

shout- out

I have the distinct honor and privilege of performing in V-Day Boulder's production of 'The Vagina Monologues' again this year.

During this process I have been fortunate enough to meet Essin' Em. She's gorgeous, brilliant, talented, and fabulous. I could have told you this on my own, but many others share my opinion, including who voted her the best sex toy reviewer this year. I envy the work that goes in to being awarded such an honor! Rori of named her one of the top all-round sex bloggers. So check her out. Adore her as I do.

Also, wherever you are, please go see a local V-Day production.

Saturday, February 7, 2009

accidental discoveries

I am currently in awe of the volume and selection of sex toys, props, safer sex accouterments, and sexual aids available on Amazon.
I discovered this during a search for pasties. I don't know that I have a particularly legitimate reason for wanting pasties, or an identifiable need for them. You know how it is sometimes. I just want some, cool ones from Bristol6

or Pastease.
What with the nipple piercings and all, maybe this isn't a completely stupid idea. I make an effort to purchase lingerie that keeps the tripple-nipple effect from the barbels concealed in all appropriate situations, but sometimes either it's just not quite enough, or I find myself wearing somewhat less modest and more delicate bras.

At any rate, Amazon has freakin' everything. At some level of course I knew this, but SERIOUSLY. I was sort of expecting sex toys on amazon to fall into one of two categories: the vaguely sketching, not high quality or reputible type, OR, the incredibly high-end, specialized, expensive, designeresque type. I was delighted to discover that this is not in fact the case. They have an awesomely wide selection. Of course! It's Amazon!

Maybe this will somehow facilitate my purchasing an iPod vibrator one of these days... and just imagine the possibilities for my wish list!

Thursday, February 5, 2009


Yesterday, I bought a personal massager. No, really, an item which even I believe is intended for the relief and relaxation of sore muscles in the neck and shoulders.
I am a little embarrassed because I spend so much time laughing at 'personal massagers' in places like the drug store, Brookstone, Target, WALMART of all places (apparently its okay to jerk off, so long as you don't admit to it, but heaven and the Right-Wing, Conservative God forbid that one might need Plan-B )and even at the sex store when the packaging (often due to state laws about shipping and dispensing sex toys. Pardon me, 'Adult novelties') declares the item to be such. I just really feel as though these people aren't fooling anyone, and we all need to get over it. The mystery and shame around masturbation and the use of sex toys in general needs to be lifted, and definitely needs to be removed from the realm of law.

"It is illegal to sell vibrators in the follow states: Alabama, Missippi, Georgia, Louisiana, and Indiana. In some states, if you are caught with intent to sell, you could receieve up to five thousand dollars in fines and face up to 3 years of hard labor. It is totally legal to sell guns in all of these states. We have yet to hear of a mass murder committed with a vibrator"
-Eve Ensler, 'The Vagina Monologues, V-Day Edition' Facts from "The Technology of Orgasm" by Rachel Maines.

My personal massager, which I repeat, is not a vibrator; I am well-supplied in those, came with a recharging base, so it doesn't need batteries. It claims to be a deep-kneeding massager, and has an easy to hold handle. The balls on the end that vibrate light up. I don't know why. It is manufactured by HoMedics, who claim to be the top-selling retailer of personal massagers and home spa products.

So in this instance, I suppose I must eat many of my words, and admit that sometimes, a massager is just a massager. Although, with the creative thinking of that paragon of informed sexuality of Samatha Jones, one never knows.

Brookstone Customer: I think this one really is a back-massager.
Samantha : Not if you mount it.