Wednesday, August 26, 2009

Getting down to it

Ok, issues in masturbation....

There is of course, the obvious stuff, such as privacy. So much of my life has been lived in shared quarters with family, roommates, or Significant Others. Whether in my bedroom as a teenager, when I was compelled to leave the door open at all times lest my dog become frantic about being denied access or exit, sharing a room as a first-year and sophomore in College, having thin walls in apartments with roommates junior and senior year, and a condo with my uncle and cousin, I've always been very aware of volume - both my own, and potentially that of any toys I might use.
Its entirely possible that this isn't even a real issue, but regardless, my concern about it has been very real, and therefore hindered my being comfortable about getting down with myself.

In regards to S.O.s: I feel weird doing it when they're around and not in any way involved. This I guess comes back to noise as well, but also some shaming about my sexuality that occurred in a past relationship. My masturbating, if it were known about, was taken as some kind of affront to my S.O.'s ability to satisfy me, and used as an accusation that I was entirely to sexual - meaning I was weird, needy, and otherwise (as was so often the theme in our relationship) 'too much' for her, especially in that I'm multi-orgasmic, so one orgasm (which really is not that difficult a thing for me to achieve) is not THE END.
With Mon Amore this is not this case, but I still feel weird. Our last apartment was a modestly sized one-bedroom, access to the bathroom was through the bedroom, and for the cats, like my beloved dog, deal poorly with the bedroom door being closed. There was just no way for me to be able to jerk off and NOT have him know about it. Knowing about it would probably have been fine, and most likely has to do with residual hang-ups and shame from THE EX than anything else, but I have really yet to get over.
I also needed to see through the stupidity of the idea that my sex life with a partner 'should be enough' for me. My masturbating doesn't in any way mean that I'm not sexually happy/fulfilled with my partner, it just means that there's more to my sex life than that. It also isn't anyone's job but my own to see to my sexual satisfaction - even if other people are a part of it.

I became accustomed to a masturbatory quickie, most often in the shower, as that was generally the place that I had the most privacy in all phases of my life. It was a matter of getting off as quickly and quietly as possible. I never really took the time to explore/try things, and just did what I knew worked.

Then, there's scheduling. (No, really.) The obvious solution to having a difficult time masturbating when M.A. is home would of course be to do it in his absence. The thing is, my life and my sex drive don't work like that. I can't seem to pencil in time for solo pleasure, and tend to see having the apartment to myself as an opportunity to enjoy quiet and solitude for getting work done or doing yoga, to clean and organize and things like that because I can be a little manic about it and feel as though its better to when I'm alone, or things that I generally prefer to do with lots of time and space to myself, like color my hair without the smell and mess disturbing anyone else.( It's mostly natural, but I've been highlighting it lately, and currently have a fetching magenta streak.)
I'm horny when I'm horny, and not really on some easily mapped-out schedule. I am trying to learn to put time aside/ be more flexible with my intense over-scheduling of my life.

When M.A. was recently away for a week I committed to spending some quality time with myself. I realized the missing final ingredient - arousal. It's one thing to feel horny/sexual, and entirely another really to be aroused. In the past I had never taken the time to 'get in the mood' or whatever you want to call it, and just went straight for the finish line.
By relaxing about all of it, using porn to help me to get excited, and taking it slow, I a had much more satisfying time. I kept going until I felt DONE, and not just tied over or something.
For the first time in my life, I even managed to ejaculate by myself!

I'm trying to remind myself that I am in charge of my own sexuality, and that there's nothing wrong or weird about me.

There, I said it.

Friday, August 21, 2009

Nose to the grindstone

at this point I think we just need to say the summer was a wash and move on with it.
I am a nerdy nerdface and all, but I really have never wanted the summer to end so badly so I could get back to the business of school, etc. I am, of course, also terrified. This is theoretically my LAST semester of my Master's degree. Holy pressure cooker, batman!

It's weird, but probably true that getting back to the ol' scholastic routine will actually be easier and less hectic than my current life on the Fringe, and everything else that's been thrown at me this summer.

As I am well stocked with school supplies, and can't honestly say that I need clothes, I got myself the G-Force, and layaspot for fall! They've been on my wish list (both mental and literal) for a while, so I figured now was as good a time as any. It really isn't, given that I haven't been employed for the greater part of the summer, and get paid MONTHLY.

I can't be completely responsible and frugal all the time. The 07-08 school year was so difficult with my student loans not clearing until MAY, and trying to live on my meager savings of a year off and a $7 an hour job. I didn't have enough socks, by any standard, there were holes in my boots, and I had huge hospital bills and no way of paying them. Things are better now, but I think it put me a little bit into the 'poverty mentality,' fearing lack and almost always feeling it, such that I became a little self-pitying and overindulgent for a while. I think I am approaching a healthy balance of all of what I need, and some of what I want - paying the bills and not having a minor anxiety attack about buying a pumpkin-spice latte.

What did all of that have to do with sex?
A: investing in my well-being, happiness, and satisfaction, which I have been convinced falls somewhere in the 'things I need' category, right up there with a gym membership and decent skin care products.

I will report back on my purchases soon, as well as the long-since-overdue posts I've promised.

Friday, August 14, 2009

Life on the Fringe

I know, I promised to post more.

I'm working on my post about my getting over some hang ups and getting down with myself.
I took some time while Mon Amore was away to use the time and space to get comfortable with masturbating, and figure out what works for me in that way, beyond the basic, 'okay, I had an orgasm.' Full details to come.

I'm working like crazy right now for the Boulder International Fringe Festival.

So far the two shows I've seen are great and super-interesting.

5th Circle Theatre Company is putting on 'Pick Your Own Path,: The Return of the Mystery of the Journey Through Time to the Secret Lost City of the Evil Robotic Abominable Snowman King of Nabooti (Zombie Space Ninja Pirates!!!): A Musical Adventure'

Theatre Reverb presents 'Bonne Nuit Poo Poo,'
This wild, interactive, comedic tale is inspired by the Mad Max trilogy and its erotic science fiction dystopian genre, Goodnight Moon, and all other cultural ephemera connected to goodbyes and imagined end times. Max, Maxi and the Operator hunt for a living seed in this action-packed collage of pop-culture and apocalyptic fantasy film featuring video, text, movement, dance, and stream-of-consciousness comedy.

The Venue is the Community Dance Collective in Boulder.
go to 2125 Pearl, business between 21st and 22nd Sts. that is Futon store, enter their parking lot, go left at end of their building, studio will be directly in front of you.

Come see a show!!!