Confession

Yesterday, I bought a personal massager. No, really, an item which even I believe is intended for the relief and relaxation of sore muscles in the neck and shoulders.
I am a little embarrassed because I spend so much time laughing at 'personal massagers' in places like the drug store, Brookstone, Target, WALMART of all places (apparently its okay to jerk off, so long as you don't admit to it, but heaven and the Right-Wing, Conservative God forbid that one might need Plan-B )and even at the sex store when the packaging (often due to state laws about shipping and dispensing sex toys. Pardon me, 'Adult novelties') declares the item to be such. I just really feel as though these people aren't fooling anyone, and we all need to get over it. The mystery and shame around masturbation and the use of sex toys in general needs to be lifted, and definitely needs to be removed from the realm of law.

"It is illegal to sell vibrators in the follow states: Alabama, Missippi, Georgia, Louisiana, and Indiana. In some states, if you are caught with intent to sell, you could receieve up to five thousand dollars in fines and face up to 3 years of hard labor. It is totally legal to sell guns in all of these states. We have yet to hear of a mass murder committed with a vibrator"
-Eve Ensler, 'The Vagina Monologues, V-Day Edition' Facts from "The Technology of Orgasm" by Rachel Maines.

My personal massager, which I repeat, is not a vibrator; I am well-supplied in those, came with a recharging base, so it doesn't need batteries. It claims to be a deep-kneeding massager, and has an easy to hold handle. The balls on the end that vibrate light up. I don't know why. It is manufactured by HoMedics, who claim to be the top-selling retailer of personal massagers and home spa products.

So in this instance, I suppose I must eat many of my words, and admit that sometimes, a massager is just a massager. Although, with the creative thinking of that paragon of informed sexuality of Samatha Jones, one never knows.

Brookstone Customer: I think this one really is a back-massager.
Samantha : Not if you mount it.

For that tingly fresh feeling!

I never thought I would hear myself say this, but:

Why does everything vibrate these days? Seriously.
The vibrating razor business really just strikes me as dangerous. I far prefer a steady sharp blade against my skin. Doesn’t a sharp thing that moves on its own seem more likely to cause cuts than one that does not.

Once a trend like that hits the market it will of course spread like wildfire:

The Neutrogena vibrating face scrubber
It even looks like a vibrator! I realize that young people – I’m sure the target market here is young women, will do damn near anything and try any crazy thing that’s thrown at them to get rid of acne. I’ve been there. This however I’m sure is little more than a thiny veiled way for a skin-care company to sell discreet vibrators to teenage girls. Even if it isn’t there plan, I guarantee you that the Wave is being used to stimulate just as many clitori as it is skin cells. I knew more than one girl at boarding school who was especially attached to her electric toothbrush.

Given that, I need to say that I’m entirely in favor of younger women being able to access sex toys. Masturbation after is, as they say, the safest sex there is. In a world where sex is getting scarier and more dangerous and an understanding of it is being increasingly limited by the powers that soon will not be, teenage girls being told not to have sex should have a little help getting off. I think it’s a little stupid and short sited that one needs to be 18 in order to enter a sex store or purchase sex toys. There’s no age floor to purchasing safer sex aids and such in pharmacies and grocery stores, nor should there be.

TEENAGERS HAVE SEX.
They have conventional intercourse, which we have been told is the only kind of sex there is. They engage in other activities that contain the word sex. They do things that I certainly think qualify as sex that aren’t generally labeled as such. Most of them also masturbate, and giving them a little encouragement and assistance in doing so might do wonders for them and society at large.* I don’t think that selling younger people sex toys is going to stop them from having sex, but I do think that it just might increase sexual control and personal agency for them, and could be part of a larger project of safer and informed sexuality for young people.

I’m reminded of the ‘Relaxeciser’ on Mad Men.** A young secretary discovers that a weight-loss belt that her firm is marketing to women has the effect of being rather “stimulating in a certain area.” Those marketing the product are never clear whether or not this side effect is intended, but take it as a point in the product’s favor and try subtly to integrate it into the campaign.

Good on you Neutrogena. The wave retails for about $14.00. Not bad for a vibrator. For the time being I’ll ignore the fact that the disposable pads that are used to clean the skin are incredibly wasteful and make the gadget a costly and environmentally unsound way to refresh one’s ‘skin’. Heck maybe my ‘skin’ needs some refreshing – the wave even comes in my favorite color.

*I’m picturing malls and streets without roving hoards of teenagers, because they’re all at home jerking off.

** A truly brilliant show