To give this post some context, I first have to make a confession:
I watched a Romantic Comedy, willingly, by myself. . .
Now that I'm done being embarrassed,
I've been noticing a trend of female characters that I can actually identify with in these kinds of movies lately, or at least the previews for them, as I'm usually more into blood-guts-explosions-zombies kinds of movies, or depressing/foreign/arty/indie flicks. At any rate, in the course of RomComs of late there seems to be a trend in the presentation of strong, busy, unemotional, successful characters for women.* At first I think yay! Smart women in movies! Characters with which I can identify! The thing that these women need to learn over the course of the two-hours of the film is that they need to get in touch with their feelings/express them, not try so hard, and that its okay not to be perfect all the time. These are things that it seems I am having to learn of late. On the surface, this made me feel a little better in this hey I'm not a total freak kind of way. Upon closer examination though, it makes me kind of angry.
Women that are outside of their prescribed gender roles by being all of the above mentioned things/possessing said qualities need to learn to be softer, kinder, more emotive, less pushy, etc. in order to fall in love and live happily ever after. THEY NEED TO RETURN to the cultural script of who and how they're supposed to be in order to be lovable and gain happiness.
The message is basically that you can't have it all. For a woman, their is success and fortune OR there is home and hearth and the leading man.** A woman need to give up her success in some measure in order to be romantically fulfilled. It isn't quite The Stepford Wives drastic of CEO to homemaker, but it does seem always to involve some professional compromise, or stepping down. Either as a condition of their personal happiness or a consequence thereof. If they don't have to make the choice between love and career, the choice is made for them, because somehow by being in love, and all the things implied thereby, they become less able to be the successful powerhouses that they were and find themselves crying in the board room and loosing their job/the big client/case/etc.
What worries me the most about this is my fear that it might be true. I've spent the better part of my life working hard and being busy, throwing myself into everything possible and giving it all my all. I've been avoiding feeling by doing. This had to stop. I was headed straight for destruction in a heart-attach at 35 kind of way. I was bottling everything up, and it WAS going to come out, one way or another. I definitely feel as though I was forced into dealing with things more than that I chose to do so in a lot of ways, although it seems that I knowingly put myself in the position that would force me to do so - my course of study, my extra-curriculars, contemplative practice, etc. I made the choice to attend a Graduate program that I had been forewarned, 'tears you apart completely and then rebuilds you piece by piece'. I'm in serious doubt some days as to whether or not the re-building process has begun and simply feel dismantled. Now that I am allowing myself to feel things and express them, I'm not as efficient, less prolific, less of all of the things that I was and did in order to avoid the things that I'm not feeling. I feel as though I'm less intelligent. Is it possible that this is a case-by-case basis? If I had not grown up in a world of playing through the pain, feeling the burn, sucking it up and getting on with it, could I potentially have learned to be both expressive and successful at the same time? Or could I even learn to do so from here?
Is the criticism and the message of these movies actually about our culture as a whole, and not just a commentary on women being in their rightful place?
*No Reservations, Bride Wars, The Holiday, The Women, In Her Shoes, The Proposal
**Clearly I'm operating in a heterosexist system of the popular culture and this genre in particular right now.
Monday, November 16, 2009
Tuesday, October 13, 2009
Friday, September 18, 2009
Dude-ness
Sex really turns me into a guy - my stereotypical male qualities and behaviors.
It's funny.
Visual:
wearing boxers and a white undershirt, drinking a beer which rests between my legs when I'm not drinking it.
Yeah.
Then I burped while making nachos, and Mon Amore informed me that,
"I was just about to say, as long as you don't burp right now, you wouldn't totally be a guy."
It also seems as though my voice gets lower after sex. This may be from moaning, this may be some kind of wash of hormones and endorphins. Who knows? But it's funny and I enjoy it.
It's funny.
Visual:
wearing boxers and a white undershirt, drinking a beer which rests between my legs when I'm not drinking it.
Yeah.
Then I burped while making nachos, and Mon Amore informed me that,
"I was just about to say, as long as you don't burp right now, you wouldn't totally be a guy."
It also seems as though my voice gets lower after sex. This may be from moaning, this may be some kind of wash of hormones and endorphins. Who knows? But it's funny and I enjoy it.
Tuesday, September 15, 2009
This is EXACTLY what I have always been concerned about.
Glass toys are pretty, they seem interesting, but they frigging terrify me, not matter how unusual problems with them are. ITS GLASS and very important, sensitive parts of the body. I break most everything that it is possible to break, and have what I am told is an extraordinarily *strong* vagina. If its possible to break a glass toy during penetration, I'd be the one who could do it.
Glass toys are pretty, they seem interesting, but they frigging terrify me, not matter how unusual problems with them are. ITS GLASS and very important, sensitive parts of the body. I break most everything that it is possible to break, and have what I am told is an extraordinarily *strong* vagina. If its possible to break a glass toy during penetration, I'd be the one who could do it.
Saturday, September 5, 2009
P Style
I really, really want the P Style STAT.
Apparently, this offers a clean and covenient way for people to stand up to people for people who cannot do so otherwise. OMG! I have been trying to learn how to pee standing up since whenever it was that I found out that people with penises could do that probably at - 3 or 4 years old.
This has resulted in years, and years of messy and unsuccessful experiments. I was forced to come to the conclusion that my particular anatomy does not lend itself well to it. I've been told that lots of other female-bodied folks can pee standing up with relatively little difficulty. I simply cannot without hitting my foot or dribbling down my leg. At first I blamed this on the comparative size of my left labia minora to the right, but after trying to push them out of the way, it seems that my urethra itself angles to the side - or at least the stream that comes out of it does.
I know there are a few pack and pee devices out there, but have not heard great things about any of them. Reviews from everyone I know who has tried them always mention that there is some unavoidable dribble, either on the outside of the packy, or down the leg.
While I'm not sure that this is the perfect solution for trans guys, as the logistics of using this to pee in public with or without a packy strike me as kind of difficult, but who knows, maybe I'm wrong. I would absolutely love to try both with and without and see how it goes.
Wednesday, August 26, 2009
Getting down to it
Ok, issues in masturbation....
There is of course, the obvious stuff, such as privacy. So much of my life has been lived in shared quarters with family, roommates, or Significant Others. Whether in my bedroom as a teenager, when I was compelled to leave the door open at all times lest my dog become frantic about being denied access or exit, sharing a room as a first-year and sophomore in College, having thin walls in apartments with roommates junior and senior year, and a condo with my uncle and cousin, I've always been very aware of volume - both my own, and potentially that of any toys I might use.
Its entirely possible that this isn't even a real issue, but regardless, my concern about it has been very real, and therefore hindered my being comfortable about getting down with myself.
In regards to S.O.s: I feel weird doing it when they're around and not in any way involved. This I guess comes back to noise as well, but also some shaming about my sexuality that occurred in a past relationship. My masturbating, if it were known about, was taken as some kind of affront to my S.O.'s ability to satisfy me, and used as an accusation that I was entirely to sexual - meaning I was weird, needy, and otherwise (as was so often the theme in our relationship) 'too much' for her, especially in that I'm multi-orgasmic, so one orgasm (which really is not that difficult a thing for me to achieve) is not THE END.
With Mon Amore this is not this case, but I still feel weird. Our last apartment was a modestly sized one-bedroom, access to the bathroom was through the bedroom, and for the cats, like my beloved dog, deal poorly with the bedroom door being closed. There was just no way for me to be able to jerk off and NOT have him know about it. Knowing about it would probably have been fine, and most likely has to do with residual hang-ups and shame from THE EX than anything else, but I have really yet to get over.
I also needed to see through the stupidity of the idea that my sex life with a partner 'should be enough' for me. My masturbating doesn't in any way mean that I'm not sexually happy/fulfilled with my partner, it just means that there's more to my sex life than that. It also isn't anyone's job but my own to see to my sexual satisfaction - even if other people are a part of it.
I became accustomed to a masturbatory quickie, most often in the shower, as that was generally the place that I had the most privacy in all phases of my life. It was a matter of getting off as quickly and quietly as possible. I never really took the time to explore/try things, and just did what I knew worked.
Then, there's scheduling. (No, really.) The obvious solution to having a difficult time masturbating when M.A. is home would of course be to do it in his absence. The thing is, my life and my sex drive don't work like that. I can't seem to pencil in time for solo pleasure, and tend to see having the apartment to myself as an opportunity to enjoy quiet and solitude for getting work done or doing yoga, to clean and organize and things like that because I can be a little manic about it and feel as though its better to when I'm alone, or things that I generally prefer to do with lots of time and space to myself, like color my hair without the smell and mess disturbing anyone else.( It's mostly natural, but I've been highlighting it lately, and currently have a fetching magenta streak.)
I'm horny when I'm horny, and not really on some easily mapped-out schedule. I am trying to learn to put time aside/ be more flexible with my intense over-scheduling of my life.
When M.A. was recently away for a week I committed to spending some quality time with myself. I realized the missing final ingredient - arousal. It's one thing to feel horny/sexual, and entirely another really to be aroused. In the past I had never taken the time to 'get in the mood' or whatever you want to call it, and just went straight for the finish line.
By relaxing about all of it, using porn to help me to get excited, and taking it slow, I a had much more satisfying time. I kept going until I felt DONE, and not just tied over or something.
For the first time in my life, I even managed to ejaculate by myself!
I'm trying to remind myself that I am in charge of my own sexuality, and that there's nothing wrong or weird about me.
*blush*
There, I said it.
There is of course, the obvious stuff, such as privacy. So much of my life has been lived in shared quarters with family, roommates, or Significant Others. Whether in my bedroom as a teenager, when I was compelled to leave the door open at all times lest my dog become frantic about being denied access or exit, sharing a room as a first-year and sophomore in College, having thin walls in apartments with roommates junior and senior year, and a condo with my uncle and cousin, I've always been very aware of volume - both my own, and potentially that of any toys I might use.
Its entirely possible that this isn't even a real issue, but regardless, my concern about it has been very real, and therefore hindered my being comfortable about getting down with myself.
In regards to S.O.s: I feel weird doing it when they're around and not in any way involved. This I guess comes back to noise as well, but also some shaming about my sexuality that occurred in a past relationship. My masturbating, if it were known about, was taken as some kind of affront to my S.O.'s ability to satisfy me, and used as an accusation that I was entirely to sexual - meaning I was weird, needy, and otherwise (as was so often the theme in our relationship) 'too much' for her, especially in that I'm multi-orgasmic, so one orgasm (which really is not that difficult a thing for me to achieve) is not THE END.
With Mon Amore this is not this case, but I still feel weird. Our last apartment was a modestly sized one-bedroom, access to the bathroom was through the bedroom, and for the cats, like my beloved dog, deal poorly with the bedroom door being closed. There was just no way for me to be able to jerk off and NOT have him know about it. Knowing about it would probably have been fine, and most likely has to do with residual hang-ups and shame from THE EX than anything else, but I have really yet to get over.
I also needed to see through the stupidity of the idea that my sex life with a partner 'should be enough' for me. My masturbating doesn't in any way mean that I'm not sexually happy/fulfilled with my partner, it just means that there's more to my sex life than that. It also isn't anyone's job but my own to see to my sexual satisfaction - even if other people are a part of it.
I became accustomed to a masturbatory quickie, most often in the shower, as that was generally the place that I had the most privacy in all phases of my life. It was a matter of getting off as quickly and quietly as possible. I never really took the time to explore/try things, and just did what I knew worked.
Then, there's scheduling. (No, really.) The obvious solution to having a difficult time masturbating when M.A. is home would of course be to do it in his absence. The thing is, my life and my sex drive don't work like that. I can't seem to pencil in time for solo pleasure, and tend to see having the apartment to myself as an opportunity to enjoy quiet and solitude for getting work done or doing yoga, to clean and organize and things like that because I can be a little manic about it and feel as though its better to when I'm alone, or things that I generally prefer to do with lots of time and space to myself, like color my hair without the smell and mess disturbing anyone else.( It's mostly natural, but I've been highlighting it lately, and currently have a fetching magenta streak.)
I'm horny when I'm horny, and not really on some easily mapped-out schedule. I am trying to learn to put time aside/ be more flexible with my intense over-scheduling of my life.
When M.A. was recently away for a week I committed to spending some quality time with myself. I realized the missing final ingredient - arousal. It's one thing to feel horny/sexual, and entirely another really to be aroused. In the past I had never taken the time to 'get in the mood' or whatever you want to call it, and just went straight for the finish line.
By relaxing about all of it, using porn to help me to get excited, and taking it slow, I a had much more satisfying time. I kept going until I felt DONE, and not just tied over or something.
For the first time in my life, I even managed to ejaculate by myself!
I'm trying to remind myself that I am in charge of my own sexuality, and that there's nothing wrong or weird about me.
*blush*
There, I said it.
Friday, August 21, 2009
Nose to the grindstone
Okay,
at this point I think we just need to say the summer was a wash and move on with it.
I am a nerdy nerdface and all, but I really have never wanted the summer to end so badly so I could get back to the business of school, etc. I am, of course, also terrified. This is theoretically my LAST semester of my Master's degree. Holy pressure cooker, batman!
It's weird, but probably true that getting back to the ol' scholastic routine will actually be easier and less hectic than my current life on the Fringe, and everything else that's been thrown at me this summer.
As I am well stocked with school supplies, and can't honestly say that I need clothes, I got myself the G-Force, and layaspot for fall! They've been on my wish list (both mental and literal) for a while, so I figured now was as good a time as any. It really isn't, given that I haven't been employed for the greater part of the summer, and get paid MONTHLY.
I can't be completely responsible and frugal all the time. The 07-08 school year was so difficult with my student loans not clearing until MAY, and trying to live on my meager savings of a year off and a $7 an hour job. I didn't have enough socks, by any standard, there were holes in my boots, and I had huge hospital bills and no way of paying them. Things are better now, but I think it put me a little bit into the 'poverty mentality,' fearing lack and almost always feeling it, such that I became a little self-pitying and overindulgent for a while. I think I am approaching a healthy balance of all of what I need, and some of what I want - paying the bills and not having a minor anxiety attack about buying a pumpkin-spice latte.
What did all of that have to do with sex?
A: investing in my well-being, happiness, and satisfaction, which I have been convinced falls somewhere in the 'things I need' category, right up there with a gym membership and decent skin care products.
I will report back on my purchases soon, as well as the long-since-overdue posts I've promised.
xo
at this point I think we just need to say the summer was a wash and move on with it.
I am a nerdy nerdface and all, but I really have never wanted the summer to end so badly so I could get back to the business of school, etc. I am, of course, also terrified. This is theoretically my LAST semester of my Master's degree. Holy pressure cooker, batman!
It's weird, but probably true that getting back to the ol' scholastic routine will actually be easier and less hectic than my current life on the Fringe, and everything else that's been thrown at me this summer.
As I am well stocked with school supplies, and can't honestly say that I need clothes, I got myself the G-Force, and layaspot for fall! They've been on my wish list (both mental and literal) for a while, so I figured now was as good a time as any. It really isn't, given that I haven't been employed for the greater part of the summer, and get paid MONTHLY.
I can't be completely responsible and frugal all the time. The 07-08 school year was so difficult with my student loans not clearing until MAY, and trying to live on my meager savings of a year off and a $7 an hour job. I didn't have enough socks, by any standard, there were holes in my boots, and I had huge hospital bills and no way of paying them. Things are better now, but I think it put me a little bit into the 'poverty mentality,' fearing lack and almost always feeling it, such that I became a little self-pitying and overindulgent for a while. I think I am approaching a healthy balance of all of what I need, and some of what I want - paying the bills and not having a minor anxiety attack about buying a pumpkin-spice latte.
What did all of that have to do with sex?
A: investing in my well-being, happiness, and satisfaction, which I have been convinced falls somewhere in the 'things I need' category, right up there with a gym membership and decent skin care products.
I will report back on my purchases soon, as well as the long-since-overdue posts I've promised.
xo
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