Disorientation

Not long after my split from Mon Amore, some friends from the world of fringe theatre was consoling me over a drink. They began pondering who they might fix me up with 'What guys do we know that are good enough for Kinsey'? I told them guys weren't the only or even necessarily the primary market for me, of which they were apparently totally unaware before. This led to the inevitable question of identity and labels. What I came up with on the spot was that these days, I am:

sexually disoriented.

just that time and that song

I should probably start by saying, because I don't believe that I have yet, that Mon Amore and I went our separate ways back in June.

In August I moved from Colorado back to my home town in Nova Scotia.

Yeah, I know, I never post, one more excuse, I probably have zero readers. Whatever. I write because I can't help but write, I'll try once again to do more of it in this forum than on paper or never going past my personal screen.

The next thing that I'm going to say is how not being in a relationship, and specifically not being in my relationship with Mon Amore has sort of re-opened some questions for me about my own sexuality. I used to be fairly solid in my gay-ness, but always allowed for the possibility of being attracted to or loving anyone. Then I found myself in a relationship with a wonderful man with whom I'd been friends for many years. At first I had a certain sort of defensiveness about my sexuality, some sort of need to justify myself or prove that I was still queer 'enough'

"Queer enough for whom, Kinsey?"

Queer enough for all of the Lesbians with a capital L who glared at me for holding his hand at GLBTTQQIA spaces and events, that's who. I never expected to experience discrimination and dirty looks for being a 'hetero' couple. I'd also like to add that, quite honestly, my relationship with Mon Amore was far more queer than any other I've been in, if we are going to use that term to indicate non-normative in some manner, challenging established and binary systems.

I came to a point at which for the most part I would pretend, in the majority of casual company and situations, to be straight, and always to have identified that way in an attempt to protect every other queer person from the old 'oh well they just need to find the right man/woman' bullshit that so many spout. I wasn't going to be used as evidence of that. I would put part of myself out of the public preview for the sake of the community. It might sound noble, it might sound stupid. It probably was a bit of both. I think largely I just got tired of explaining myself and seeing that 'I told you so!' look on people's faces.

So, now I'm single. I am very adamantly single. I have in fact made the decision that I will continue to be for at least the rest of 2011. I will not be anyone's someone during that time.

I have already reached the bench mark of having been single for the longest period in my adult life thus far - having only really been in two serious relationships. I have decided that I need to be me, on my own, without the influence, however positive, of anyone else in that way. I need to be completely my own person, because people are different in relationships. They just are. That doesn't mean that they necessarily cease to be themselves, but we are different when we are with different people, sometimes it's good for us, sometimes it is not.

Being single does not mean being alone at all times, by which I mean, I'm not a monk. I have been left with much to ponder about loves and lusts past and present regarding exactly who interests me and in what ways, and what that suggests to me about my own identity now. I'm sticking with 'queer.' I am not enjoying how frequently I have to define that word and what it means to/for me, especially to health-care providers, but there you have it.

Kinsey: on my own, still here, still queer.

Get used to it.

let the sunshine in!

It was definitely sad to see Hysteria go. Another small, locally-owned business pushed out of the market.
My darling wife and I went to their going-out-of-business sale*.
I picked up, wait for it....

A SOLAR POWERED VIBRATOR (at 60% off!)
It is difficult for me to express how much this thrills the eco-geek in me. Basically, as you can see, it's a bullet with a control attached that looks kind of a like a cell phone. You flip the control open so that it stands up at about a 45-degree angle, and it charges in the light! ALSO: It does not necessarily have to have direct sunlight. The electrical lights inside the store were enough to charge the floor model. Understandably it is not waterproof, due to the solar-panel and cells I think. I have not charged mine up or tried it out yet, but am super excited to do so. Mon Amore saw this while at the store for a bachelor party last spring, and told me about it and that it seemed like something that would be perfect for me, except for being a little pricey as compared to similar battery-powered toys.

I'll let you know how it works out.

*unlawfully gay married at Boulder Pride '08, not the same person as Mon Amore.

Better Left Unsaid:

Thank you notes which would be unwise actually to send:

Mere de Mon Amore, Cherie*,
Thanks for sending us home with those excellent cookies as well as the other fantastic leftovers from dinner this evening. The cookies made a really satisfying snack after the incredibly satisfying sex that I just had with your first-born.
Thanks a bundle.

Love, your child's partner.

*Dear the Mother of My Love

On Monogamy

This post has been percolating in my head for a while. I've been having a hard time properly wording exactly what it is that I'm trying to express. I fully anticipate not doing so especially well, and offending/angering people, and for that I apologize in advance. (not that I have much of a readership to offend.)
Thus:
Let me first say that I have the utmost respect for polyamory, and polyamorous people and relationships. I think that its really, really, great that there is an increasing amount of space for, and understanding of, all kinds of ways of having and engaging in relationships in our society. I am completely and totally in support, of healthy, informed, consensual (and ideally, happy) relationships of all kinds.

I'm am familiar with the sociological and psychological arguments for, and reasoning behind non-monogamy. I'm also aware of the evolutionary anthropological evidence that monogamy in human romantic relationships are a relatively recent phenomenon and strictly speaking, not entirely 'natural.'*

What I do not understand is this: the fact that I get the distinct impression that in a lot of communities to which I think I belong, monogamy is NOT ALRIGHT. Non-monogamy is the norm. Being a norm isn't an issue as far as I'm concerned, what is an issue is the treatment of what falls outside the norm, being monogamous relationships. Being in the minority is fine by me. What is not fine is being treated as though I am some kind of behind-the-times, prudish, uptight, un-liberated, freak for having a monogamous relationship. It's like Mon Amore and I are dinosaurs, or the last unicorns or something.

We have discussed it. We considered making our relationship work in that way. M.A. and I came to the conclusion that that is not who we are, how we work, or the way that we want to have our relationship. It's not for us, as individuals, or as a couple.

So why is that not alright!? People inquiring do not ask 'Are you two monogamous,' or 'Are you in an open relationship?,' but rather they say, 'You guys are open, right?' or, 'So you're poly.' They also seem genuinely shocked and disgusted that no, actually, we're not.

I RESPECT YOUR SEXUAL IDENTITY AND RELATIONSHIPS,
WHY CAN'T YOU RESPECT MINE?

Honestly. Creating a new dominant paradigm and marginalizing/persecuting people outside of it is not at all better or more alright than the old paradigm and systems of oppression against which you are fighting. The oppressed becoming the oppressors. The subject has been deeply explored over the past couple of centuries, in regards to things like revolutions: a minority gains power over the majority population that was oppressing them, or a less privileged socio-economic class overthrows an upper-class minority that has been keeping them down, and then proceeds in no time at all to engage in all the same kinds of discriminatory, keeping-people-down, FUCKED UP activities as the people that they overthrew did against them.

Alright, I'm done now.


*I might point out that a heck of a lot of the things we do nowadays bare no resemblance to anything natural whatsoever, but I digress.

*smack*

God I love when Mon Amore spanks me.
That's all.